


The Prince and the Peach

by redscudery



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bitty is a badass, Chatlogs, Dirty Jokes, Euphemisms, Facebook, Holster hates the word "tumescent", How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Ransom has a hundred spreadsheets, Romance Novel, Shitty is over the top, and Jack is so embarassed, and Lardo is an enabler because hey it's performance art, and for everyone else dragging him for his terrible euphemisms, and poor baby Chowder jerked it on the team bus one time, for Shitty telling the story of Eric & Jack getting together, honestly, so many terrible terrible euphemisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 09:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6978286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redscudery/pseuds/redscudery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I place the fault for this squarely on the shoulders of 1electricpirate who said "Imagine Shitty writing terrible zimbits fic in a Facebook chat that he send to Jack in instalments and it's all just full of terrible euphemisms and synonyms and also bro speak"</p>
<p>Thanks to the fabulous DoubleNegative for the beta!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Prince and the Peach

**Author's Note:**

> Characters, of course, belong to Ngozi.

_Jack Zimmermann has been added to the group_

**Shitty:** So zimms, brah, here is what I think

**Jack:** hey

**Jack:** wait what

**Shitty:** I have a theory

**Jack:** about what

**Shitty:** About Bits  & you

**Jack:** okay

**Shitty:** You sound suspicious

**Jack:** why would I be?

**Shitty:** You just used punctuation. That means you’re suspicious.

**Jack:** I’m not sure why you have a theory

**Shitty:** about how you first kissed

**Jack:** oh man

**Jack:** do you not have homework

**Jack:** why do you think about these things?

**Shitty:** it’s my jam. Also you’re my friend, brah.

**Jack:** I get it, but really?

**Shitty:** I think it was romantic? Like, you totally kissed his rose-petal lips gently, murmuring “Bitty”?

**Jack:** why would you think that

**Shitty:** You didn’t?

**Jack:** it was nice

**Shitty:** You actually murmured “Bitty”? That is … it’s cute. CUTE. Romance-novel cute.

**Jack:** I never said that

**Jack:** ok I have to go

**Shitty:** NOPE. It’s time for DEETS. Deets, man.

**Jack:** that’s private. Personal.

**Shitty:** Capitals! IT WAS SO GOOD. Loook, I am your best friend brah. Tell me at least one thing or I’ll text Ransom  & Holster that pic I took of your nose hair on our last roadie.

**Jack:** do it. I have to go.

**Shitty:** Don’t you dare leave me.

**Jack:** bye

**Shitty:** If you do I’m going to have to imagine it all for myself and do you want that? You do not. I took Dr. Cook’s interdisciplinary seminar on the poetics and politics of the romance novel.

_Jack Zimmermann is offline_

**Shitty:** Fucker

**Shitty:** Jack Zimmerman, tall, broad, athletic, gifted with a fabulous ass, was in love. With Eric Bittle, small, strong, athletic, gifted with a (let’s face it) pretty awesome set of cheeks himself. But Jack Zimmermann had a problem: a giant hockey stick up that fabulous ass a deep melancholy protected by a hard emotional shell.

**Shitty:** [my friend, I know it’s your personal history and your profession, which is totally a den of homophobic cockholes, but that sort of interferes with my narrative here. Although to be fair “stick up the ass” is not very in line with romance novel poetics either but give me a minute]

Shitty: Only one person can break the shell and remove that huge stick: Eric Bittle. But will he want to? This glorious, golden ray of Georgia sunshine...

_Jack Zimmermann is online_

**Shitty:** [I see you, Zimms. Read this or else.]

**Shitty:** [wait is it okay to talk on FB chat? This won’t out you, will it man?]

**Jack:** it’s fine, PR keeps a close eye on it

**Jack:** calice

**Shitty:** SO NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION

**Jack:** you are a pain in my ass

**Shitty:** THAT GLORIOUS ASS THAT BITTLE GETS TO TAP

**Jack:** shut up

**Shitty:** you know what that means! “Storytime or Deets”, you choose.

**Jack:** it’s personal, Shits

**Shitty:** This is for your own good. Open up, man! Bitty won’t mind.

**Jack:** Bittle can do what he wants

**Shitty:** Hey, Lardo’s online.

**Jack:** because what you need is allies

**Shitty:** Just call me the fuckin Axis of Deets, Zimms

_Larissa Duan has been added to the group_

**Lardo:** This must be the deets group. Hey Shits, hey Jack.

**Jack:** hi, Lardo

**Shitty:** we’re playing “Storytime or Deets”

**Lardo:** oh, excellent

**Lardo:** this is re: Jack and Bitty finally getting their shit together I presume

**Lardo:** I knew the moment Jack saw that little strawberry blond pie

**Shitty:** Do not tread on my garment, O Sculptor Woman, for I am in full flight.

**Lardo:** Proceed, ye Knight of Words

**Jack:** why

**Shitty:** We have, as you say, the sweet, sunny strawberry blond pride of Georgia. Will this angel in the kitchen and wholesome influence on the ice crack the composure of our granite-faced leader from the far north, where poutine is poutine and moose outnumber men (and women, and non-binary peeps, obviously, because the gender binary fucking sucks)? Will maple syrup and sweet Georgia barbecue sauce flow together?

**Jack:** you are a terrible writer

**Lardo:** Is there maple syrup in Canadian barbecue sauce, Jack?

**Jack:** not often, it’s pretty expensive

**Shitty:** [I'm a genius] Our story begins at the Manor of Haus, one fine spring day. Though our gallant captain had taken fair Bittle under his wing since their fateful meeting,

**Lardo:** Under his ass.  Checking practice, flirting practice, whatever.

**Shitty:** Bittle remained charmingly ignorant of Jack's intention and feeling, telling himself that his own feelings were simply not reciprocated. Every night in the mirror, he alternately sighed over his stalwart captain and cursed his name.

**Jack:** Bittle never cursed me

**Shitty:** CURSED HIS NAME, for he thought that the glorious length of Canadian bacon in Jack’s snug corduroys could never be his...

**Lardo:** your descriptors are not sexy

**Jack:** I do not understand the American obsession with Canadian bacon

**Jack:** also, gross

**Shitty:** He longed for the sweet touch of Jack’s briny pork weapon

**Lardo:** Even less sexy

**Shitty:** Jack, also alone in his room, wished to touch Bitty’s sweet equivalent, a rolling pin of thick, hard wood. This sad state of affairs endured, though neither one

**Lardo:** this is a lot of preamble

**Shitty:** [jfc Lardo brah, just burp in my goddamn face]

**Lardo:** will do.

**Shitty:** Though neither one was aware of it, the barriers between them began to erode. Then, one fateful day, Bitty stepped out of his room in…

**Shitty:** …

**Shitty:** booty shorts!

**Jack:** SHITS

**Shitty:** [this is not a secret, brah. We all saw you miss that step]

**Jack:** I did not miss a step

**Lardo:** you really did

**Shitty:** [with reason, man, Bits was smokin’ in those shorts]

**Lardo:** he was. I think there was even a little ass cheek going on. Bet that memory hurts less now that you’ve tapped that, hey Zimms?

**Jack:** I’m not here.

**Shitty:** I am disappointed in the reception of my glorious tale. Jack, man, if you don’t start spilling--or confirming, confirming’s fine, brah--deets, I’m going to invite Ransom  & Holster in to read it too. Then Chowder. Then Johnson. Then the Tadpoles. Then… dum dum dum... Bittle. THEN: THE LAX BROS

**Lardo:** That’s low. you would be banned from group chat

**Jack:** I’m going to ban him anyway

**Shitty:** I’m unbannable.

**Shitty:** ANYHOO, FUCKWADS

**Shitty:** Jack knew, the moment he saw that sweet curve of Bitty’s nether peaches

**Jack:** “nether peaches” is disgusting

**Lardo:** that’s not what you said last week

**Jack:** what

**Shitty:** JACK KNEW, the moment he saw that sweet curve of Bitty’s nether peaches, that he had to touch them, to taste them, to hold them close. But Jack was a romantic, and so planned his campaign carefully

**Jack:** I did not

**Shitty:** [Cool! What did you do?]

**Jack:** never mind

**Shitty:** that’s it.

_Justin Oluransi has been added to the group_

_Adam Birkholtz has been added to the group_

**Lardo:** dudes!

**Jack:** I’m going to tell Bitty you never get any pie again, Shitty

**Ransom:** dudes!

**Holster:** I was trying to study

**Lardo:** We’re playing “Storytime or Deets”

**Holster:** And it’s storytime.

**Ransom:** because our beloved former captain has a stick up his ass

**Ransom:** Bring it on, Shits

**Shitty:** [I miss you guys.]

**Holster:** Same, bro

**Ransom:** those Harvard assholes are not cooler than us

**Holster:** “than we are”

**Ransom:** that’s what I said

**Jack:** no it isn’t

**Ransom:** do you idiots really wanna drag me for using colloquial speech in the proper context? Because I’ll go

**Lardo:** shut up assholes. Bitty’s ass is a ripe peach and Jack wants a bite

**Holster:** it is kind of peachy

**Jack:** hey!

**Ransom:** we’ve all seen it, bro, do you blame us for looking

**Jack:** no, but don’t SAY it

**Holster:** oooh, capitals. He must be mad

**Lardo:** He is. But he’s still here

**Jack:** I don’t want to be

**Jack:** but I also don’t want Shitty unsupervised

**Jack:** none of you count as supervision

**Shitty:** Jack’s hard exterior began to flake away like badly-made ice in a March thaw, and Bitty began to see his true self.

**Shitty:** but sadly, he still did not know that Jack’s soft center was his to keep.

**Ransom:** there are no March thaws in Quebec

**Jack:** Kind of, sometimes

**Holster:** did ALL of Jack’s hard exterior flake off? Nobody likes a limp-dicked Canadian

**Shitty:** The softness of his exterior was belied only by his hard, hard maple tree

**Holster:** it was a pork thing before

**Ransom:** Euphemisms, Holster

**Holster:** but they’re INCONSISTENT

**Lardo:** they are pretty out there bro

**Shitty:** [it’s art. Do I fucking criticize your Excel tables, Rans?]

**Ransom:** I didn’t say anything

**Holster:** Whatevs. More story! More story! Unless Jack is going to tell us how it really went down

**Jack:** no

**Shitty:** [AND AWAY WE GO]

**Shitty:** Jack could never manage to screw

**Lardo:** anything at all. It’s the stick up his ass

**Jack:** really Lardo?

**Lardo:** I’m participating in Shits’ performance art

**Shitty:** Jack pined, and Bitty pined, their hearts and genitals yearning towards one another, until one day, Jack could stand it no longer.

**Shitty:** “Heart,” he said, “and bacon, and hockey stick, _we must have this man_ ”

**Holster:** So Jack knows about the hockey stick

**Ransom:** come on, bro, we know he knows

**Holster:** but you know what, Shits, we already KNOW this. You’re basically giving us Jack’s senior year but with overblown adjectives and ridiculous syntax

**Shitty:** [first, that is the fucking point, and second, don’t be so goddamn critical of the romance novel. It’s a valid art form]

**Holster:** Not arguing that, man

**Ransom:** We just want juicier deets

**Shitty:** [we all know where this is going--that’s the point of the romance novel.]

**Lardo:** yo, Shits, come on. I know you’re about to bust out the article references so quit that and get on with the faux boning. I’ve got class]

**Shitty:** [This is why I love you, bro. I was totally about to cite Ross and Goris. But since you insist]

**Shitty:** Jack rushed into Bitty’s room. Bitty turned, and his petal-like lips fell open. Jack could no longer resist, and pressed his hot poutine-intake valve to Bitty’s magnolia flowers

**Shitty:** "Do you want to taste my maple syrup?” Jack whispered into his mouth. Bitty writhed in deep, burning pleasure, and gripped his trim waist.

**Ransom:** “poutine intake valve” is a good one

**Jack:** I suppose you mean ‘mouth’

**Shitty:** [Jack! You’re engaging!]

**Jack:** reluctantly

**Shitty:** [it’s a motherfuckin’ start. Let me make it good for you, brah.]

**Jack:** please don’t

**Ransom:** Be gentle with him

**Ransom:** it’s his first time

**Holster:** I place even bets on Jack having read a romance novel before

**Ransom:** I’ll take those odds

**Lardo:** Fool’s bet, Rans.

**Jack:** it was one time

**Lardo:** nope

**Jack:** I read fast, okay

**Shitty:** [do not shame the man, come on. Ransom, Holster, you think I don’t see you reading _Marie Claire_ sometimes? And even if not, let us not relegate publications for women to the second class like every other jock]

**Holster:** point.

**Ransom:** we weren’t shaming. It was a statistical discussion

**Jack:** I was probably shaming myself unnecessarily

**Shitty:** [excellent session. Good progress. Now shut the fuck up so we can get to the good stuff]

**Shitty:** [by which I mean lots of penis euphemisms if you’re cool with this]

**Ransom:** Fine with me

**Holster:** me too

**Jack:** you guys really are idiots

**Lardo:** bro, you sound surprised

**Jack:** I shouldn’t

**Shitty:** “Yes,” Bitty breathed  
**Shitty:**  "Spread that manly maple syrup all over my sweet southern pecans, big boy!” Bitty shouted

**Jack:** oh my god  
**Ransom:** I actually do smell pie  
**Holster:** I'm never eating maple syrup again

**Jack:** Bittle would never impugn pecans that way

**Lardo:** and aren’t pecans kind of small in comparison to Bits’ junk?

**Jack:** LARDO

**Ransom:** Oooh, you looked at Bitty’s junk?

**Lardo:** Ransom, you keep a spreadsheet of this information

**Ransom:** uh, yeah it’s for science

**Holster:** Is that up-to-date, Rans?

**Ransom:** Mostly. I haven’t really recalculated some of the data yet--I want to do a different type of height-length analysis

**Holster:** what about girth?

**Ransom:** yeah, I wanna factor that in.

**Jack:** you’ve removed my info, yeah

**Ransom:** I moved it to the alumni tab

**Jack:** fantastic

**Ransom:** but if you want to re-measure girth that’d be good

**Jack:** no

**Holster:** Bitty will probably tell us

**Jack:** no

**Ransom:** good thinking. Bits is a bro and not a wet blanket that’s ashamed of his dong  
**Jack:** I AM NOT ASHAMED

**Shitty:** Jack's Canadian bacon came to attention in his slacks, and met with Bittle’s firm, enthusiastic rolling pin. Their passion was so great that their clothes fell to the floor and peachy skin met glacial white skin for the first time.

**Jack:** that is definitely not what happened

**Shitty:** [so what DID happen?]

**Lardo:** it’s not like you’ve never played “Storytime or Deets” before. Spill or shut up

**Holster:** Lardo said “spill”

**Shitty:** The conflagration of erotic feeling was so great that Jack’s huge bacon spurted syrup like a tree spurts sap in spring  
**Jack:** sap drips

**Jack:** also, Canadian bacon is not that much of a thing  
**Ransom:** also, bro, Jack’s dick is not that huge  
**Shitty:** "I never expected such massive tumescence" growled Bitty.  
**Holster:** NEVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN SHITTY KNIGHT YOU RANCID JOCKSTRAP  
**Ransom:** If Chowder sees this he's gonna faint.   
**Ransom:** I'm adding him now

_Chris Chow has been added to the group_

**Chowder:** HEY DUDES HOW’S IT HANGING

**Lardo:** Low and ripe, like a nether peach

**Chowder:** What? What do you mean?

**Ransom:** actually it’s hangin’ pretty high, if Shitty is right

**Holster:** High and hard (but not that “t” word because that is the worst word in the English language)

**Chowder:** I need to scroll up, don’t I?

**Jack:** can we not talk about my penis please

**Ransom:** Ashamed. And it’s pretty sweet, Jack, not gonna lie

**Shitty:** [Jack’s dong is as rockin’ as the rest of him]

**Jack:** uh thanks

**Jack:** but shut up anyway

**Jack:** wait, Shitty, this is private, right

**Shitty:** [only those of us in the chat can see it]

**Shitty:** [also would you Philistines shut the fuck up.]  
**Ransom:** actually, you know whose dick is huge, relatively speaking?  
**Holster:** mine  
**Ransom:** obviously. But Chowder's also packing  
Shitty: Bittle’s rolling pin shuddered, and suddenly sweet pastry cream mingled with the maple syrup.

**Lardo:** Mmmm, pastry cream

**Shitty:** The two lovers collapsed upon each other, faint with love

**Ransom:** And dehydration, probably

**Chowder:** I’ve read back, and um, I’m really happy you guys invited me and everything but I’m going to go now.

**Lardo:** ah baby don’t go

**Chowder:** Also? My dick is not that huge? I don’t think?

**Jack:** it’s okay, Chowder, it’s fine

**Holster:** SAYS BACON BOY

**Ransom:** sick nickname, dude

**Ransom:** online high five!

**Holster:** real-life high five!

**Ransom:** Double high-five!

**Holster:** Double high-five!

**Holster:** Bits just came in

**Holster:** He wants to know why we’re high-fiving

**Ransom:** also he says there’s cookies

**Jack:** what kind

**Chowder:** How am I supposed to look at Bitty now? What if there’s a dirty rolling pin in the kitchen?

**Chowder:** you guys are the worst! I mean, obviously you’re the best! but also the worst! What do I do?

**Lardo:** Come on, Chowder, it’s fine. Look, do you want me to add Bitty? He’ll see it and then it’ll be fine.

**Lardo:** It’ll be like the time Shitty caught you jerkin’ it on the team bus

**Ransom:** that was a fine

**Holster:** a big one

**Chowder:** Why did you have to bring that up? I’d forgotten! Shitty had forgotten!

**Shitty:** [I had not. But I have nothing against you jerkin’ it in relative privacy, brah. Gotta keep that goalie stick in good condition]

**Chowder:** That’s not a goalie stick. That would hurt, wouldn’t it, if your dick were your goalie stick? Ouch!

**Lardo:** never change, Chowder

**Holster:** Bitty wants to know what’s up

**Ransom:** Chowder is bright red

**Holster:** I’m adding Bitty

_Eric Bittle has been added to the group_

**Bitty:** Hey! Jack, honey! What are y’all up to?

**Chowder:** Bitty, don’t scroll up. Just log out!

**Jack:** Bitty, please

**Lardo:** your boy didn’t spill, Bits

**Holster:** OR DID HE?

**Ransom:** FREQUENTLY?

**Chowder:** They’re playing “Storytime or Deets” and it’s the worst

**Bitty:** I’m not saying another thing before I read what you boys have been up to. Also, there are cookies in the kitchen--snickerdoodles

**Shitty:** Jack caressed Bitty’s virgin snickerdoodle with care

**Shitty:** “Next time,” he promised faithfully, “I will sup from this cinnamon-coloured delight”

**Jack:** nobody uses ‘sup’ anymore and I am starting to get queasy

**Lardo:** That line is ‘swawesome

**Bitty:** oh my

**Bitty:** So what would you call Jack’s … snickerdoodle? A dab of maple candy?

**Chowder:** Okay no. NO. Sorry. I love you guys! Bros! Going to have a cookie before I lose my privileges. Bye!

_Chris Chow is offline_

**Lardo:** Bitty, you are a bro and a gentleman

**Lardo:** I have class, gotta go. Bye nerds

_Larissa Duan is offline_

**Holster:** we better go

**Ransom:** studying calls

_Justin Oluransi is offline_

_Adam Birkholtz is offline_

**Shitty:** Later, lovebirds. It was fun.

_B.S. Knight is offline_

 

**Bitty:** Bacon, eh?

**Jack:** I’m so sorry

**Bitty:** They’re just having fun.

**Jack:** you’re the best

**Bitty:** You’re the best

**Jack:** Skype tonight?

**Bitty:** For sure.

**Jack:** Love you

**Bitty:** I’ll save you some pastry cream

**Jack:** BITTLE

**Bittle:** :D

_Eric Bittle is offline_

_Jack Zimmermann is offline_

 


End file.
